On a personal note.
Let’s get personal, but please don’t take this personally.
This is more of a personal guideline and mental checklist. Taking off where I left off; It has been a long process of elimination while immersing myself in the relentless pursuing of wherever I want to get to next.
I gave myself the space to grow as a person, and I have learned how to allow others to come into my space and heal, while still having a healthy friendship with that person and not taking their traumas on. This subject is close to my heart because I am consciously aware of so much happening around me, and it hurts to see people hurting and suffering due to external circumstances that I wish they would see and let go of. So I’m going to let you into my little bubble and hope you can take some things from this today. Life is too short to not do what makes you happy. Yeah that sounds cheesy, but what the hell are you waiting for?
Establishing and holding boundaries teach you more about yourself as it’s a constant practice instead of something you put out there and leave it. It is something that needs constant work and revisiting. It is so scary to start working on yourself especially if you think there is nothing wrong with you and you’re always saying that thing happen to you because of others. It’s time to take ownership. You teach people how to treat you, and you give yourself the gift of love, from within.
Setting boundaries can mean a variety of things, and while you may feel guilty doing so, it’s freeing at the same time. A boundary is a line of which we will and will not accept. It is also a firm stance on your personal line of acceptance. You also must understand that just because you set a boundary, it doesn’t mean people will respect it. It is up to you to hold the boundary regardless of the other people’s behaviour toward you.
No, is a complete sentence which requires no explanation. But that’s an in the moment thing to say, as opposed to strategically setting them in your life. There are 6 different types of boundaries: time, physical, conversational, content, personal and relationship boundaries.
Those who understand and respect them, will be around. This is also a way of weeding the bad eggs out. It is also a healthy way to move forwards in a relationship, through arguments, or any area of life where you want to make yourself feel heard and respected. It is also when you decide that you deserve better in your life, whether you have had a failed marriage, relationship, or things that happened that you are still holding onto, and hoping the future changes. I am sorry to break it to you, but you are really ALL you have. Why the HELL would you wait around and rely on something shitty to determine your level of joy?
2. Relationships & adult attachment (of any kind)
There are 3 different types of people in the world. We all fall in one main category but we have the ability to change depending on the relationship we are in. For the record, when I say relationship, I mainly mean the connection you have with another human on a platonic level but keep in mind that romantic relationships also fall in this. Apply whichever you can think of first.
There are people that are secure, anxious or avoidant, by nature. Here’s the fun part: You know which you are, but how easy or hard is it to maintain that when you’re around people of the other kind?
ANXIOUS people are often preoccupied with their relationships and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back.
AVOIDANT people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
SECURE people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving.
Secure-secure relationships are the best, clearly.
Secure people can function with all other types as they have a more broad understanding of perspective when it comes to the other side dealing with their situations – we see it as the big picture and know you’re dealing with something, but it doesn’t mean you’re a bad human. Stay with me on this.
The one you want to be cautious of is the Anxious-Avoidant relationship mix. As a secure individual, I found myself in a relationship with someone very unstable in their love (lack of love actually) toward me, yet being secure on myself I was okay deep down as I knew the situation. I became anxious, as they were avoidant in their actions. What this looks like is (Okay, finally getting personal) you as a secure person confident in your ability to love, be affectionate, touchy and lovey getting shut down on a daily basis which turns you into an anxious individual because you then crave love more and more while it is continuously denied. That is a big NO. You start acting like a crazy biatch and you know this is an emotion outside of your body yet you feel it’s not under control.
The other mixes all work. Again, secure works with both Avoidant and Anxious, just not those other two combined. Another cheesy example of security in daily life, is through text (since unfortunately this generation is so addicted to their cell-phones) – I personally am not an emoji sender – but as a sign (learned through the process) of security to make the other party feel secure – is returning their text which originally are sent with emojis, back with some emojis. You’re on the same page. Another example of security in a friendship is respecting boundaries as mentioned above, but also being open in conversation and not feeling guilt or the feeling of walking on egg-shells around someone. It is when you’re completely open with no filter.
Other examples include:
– Openly showing your partner/friend how you feel without being afraid that they won’t feel the same
– Emotionally supporting your partner when they’re feeling down
– Feeling complete without being in a relationship
– Not feeling the need to escape when you’re together
– Have no difficulty expressing your needs or having tougher conversations about behaviour.
Basically this just shows that some relationships in our lives that we currently have, take more work than others. That can be both great, and not so great. There are only so many times you can try to accommodate someone, or say sorry or wait around for them to change their ways. (If they don’t want to be in your life, then why are you constantly trying to include them in yours? If they don’t text you or contact you, there’s either a reason, or maybe they’re not emotionally ready – but someone secure would still explain what is going on and set a boundary; not just let you hang and keep you waiting) It’s healthier to let go, grow from the experience and reset your belief system that you have so much to offer people that are there to reciprocate. When you vibrate on the same energy level as someone, it all flows without work. And it usually stays that way. When people have conflict and often butt heads, it’s due to different flows of energy and they’re not meant to be on your level yet, or vice versa. Listen to your body and your gut. Don’t force something that continues to show you is incompatible.
It’s been a rude awakening to people around me when I prioritized my well being, instead of the reactiveness I previously embraced, unknowingly. Those individuals are long gone and out of my life and I am grateful to be left with a very small circle of people who are secure on themselves and know to set their boundaries as well. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’re always going to get what you’ve always gotten.
Learn to teach others to respect your energy.
Love you guys.