Immersion through careful consideration is the only way to move forwards successfully.
It’s been 366 days since I made the first big change in my life. After being in a relationship and living someone else’s life for 6 years, it was time to move on and start on the path of least resistance. Resistance. Funny word. Getting lost in a world of least resistance while craving the resistance that helps you grow, can mentally have a strain on you.
I immediately moved to Vancouver, started racing my bike and spending a lot of alone time. Oh the life of an extrovert by day, and introvert by night. A WHOLE year has passed. Where the time has gone, is literally beyond me. A year stronger? Mentally, yes. Physically? Who cares.
I look back at it now as time well spent finding my way, whereas in the moment I definitely struggled with the setbacks and feeling like I was wasting my time not moving forwards. Moving forwards in the eyes of others, and results on paper, and feelings, and grieving. The truth is that when you have a path of least resistance, it doesn’t allow you to grow. The more I pushed and thought I was making the right decisions, the more resistance I got. The more it pushed me back. Sure, there were things out of my control, like an unfortunate turn of unforeseen events with cycling in the summer, but that helped me eliminate one thing off my list and it helped me take another winding road into whatever direction I am supposed to go in. I am also deeply disappointed yet not surprised to see that the cycling world is a dog-eat-dog world. Same shit, different pile. Why can’t women just empower each-other instead of bring you down? Seeing way too much of that around in high performance sport lately and it saddens me, because we really are all on the same mission; To be better humans. Sport is a very short chapter of your life that you will soon close, and then you’re left with who you are as a person. How can you live with yourself knowing that is who you have become?
Feeling like the ball in a game of pinball for 3 years has finally ended. I now look back at this year and see it as time well spent. Time well spent sitting at home literally doing nothing at all, which apparently my body craved. After forcing myself to start training again, and get back on a program, I successfully failed at maintaining routine until I decided to let go and just live. It was constantly stressing me out that I was moving back to Calgary and I was going to be out of shape. I kept giving a shit about what others thought and I let little remarks get to me. Little things like people expecting Olympic athletes to get jacked, and always be fit, or always eating healthy, or doing the right thing. Like come on, I like eating burgers, and I now even drink beer once in a while because I will forever hate it. Never have I ever stopped living a life of excellent habits and routine. As a creature of habit, now living and doing things like an adult having not trained at ALL for a while, is probably the most free I have felt. Finally let go of goals, routine, and trying to be something that others thought I was. As athletes we need goals, we set goals and we are always on a mission. But when was the last time you stepped away? I now know my sole purpose for this getaway was to finally get to where I am now. A year later.
It’s a huge relief, internally, when you feel secure and sure on your decision making. And hell yes, a huge relief knowing I can now eat an entire 2 pizzas at Virtuous Pie, downtown Vancouver, and have no guilt. I learned to listen to my gut a long time ago, and having the clear headspace finally aligns with everything. I have dragged some good people into my uncertain life decisions since I moved here this summer and I have hurt them, and for that I apologize. You don’t know you’re hurting, or struggling until you are far removed from it all. I tried filling empty holes with temporary happiness. And happiness is an inside job. Thanks mom for always being right, and sorry for not listening, for the millionth time. I guess heartbreaks take a while to heal too, and I know I wasn’t the greatest partner either, because of everything falling apart all at once. Overcoming and overriding old patterns only help you make better decisions in the future. If not, you make the same mistake over and over until you learn again.
I’ve physically decluttered humans from my life, decluttered my house, and am feeling ready to just do what makes me happy. More importantly, I recognize I am going through a massive healing process and I owe myself that. Until I become the person I know I am deep down, I don’t want to give this version to anyone else. The healing process hasn’t ended and it is just time to prioritize myself for the first time. After visiting Calgary a few times, I have also realized that my hunger for sliding on the ice has been reawakened. I am ready to now get back to my routine, and the left turns, and the at home cooking, and the 2x daily training sessions, and working 2 jobs. There is nothing I look forward to more than immersing myself in the world of non-negotiable commitment to the pursuit of personal excellence.
Are you doing what makes you happy?
Photo 1: Dave Holland.
Photo 2: Stirl and Rae Media Haus.